A Caterpillar in Waiting

Ha! There’s no positives to this place, I thought. Let me rephrase that I knew there were, but didn’t want to admit it. Some people call that pride, I called it my way. What can I say? There’s not a negative thing about this place, but me. Self worth – what did that mean to me. Nothing. Ms. Jewellan told me otherwise...more precious than rubies as she likes to say, but my most personal favorite "child of God". My life before, full of resentment, sadness, and blame, pain, anger and pride. My soul was crying out, but no one seemed to hear. I wore a mask, but no one wanted me to unveil. The uncertainty of my future and the mistakes of my past are some of the things I carried around like a weight. People released my burdens when I came through the door. I can’t say that I was Ms. Perfect then, and I can’t say it now. This is just the start of me getting off that old path and instead of feeding into the cycle I created in my own life that is worthy of a trail.

You know I didn’t know what insanity was until I met Mr. Lee. I could never grasp the fact I was insane, not in a crazy way, but constantly doing something and expecting different results kind of way. It’s like saying I can go prostitute right quick just to make a little bit of money and not do it ever again – something you know that is wrong and won’t end up in a good result, but you constantly do it hoping it will. Thanks to him I know the difference.

How many people can actually say I’m in a rehab surrounded by God-centered people on their way to become happy, healed and whole with no money involved? I don’t know about some people, but my life was surrounded by money. Why? Because I needed something to fill that empty void and it was either going to be a man or money...and I was a prostitute so I didn’t get much fulfillment, as I knew I was from money. It was my drug, my addiction, and deceiver and I would have done anything to get my hands on it. I thought the more I had the closer I was to becoming successful. In all reality, I didn’t know the real meaning of it. I just wanted what everyone else wanted.

Now that I look back on it, I read a book when I first got to this program pertaining a lot to my life. Thinking this was nothing else out there for me, but doing what I was doing, hoping to make a way because I thought I wasn’t good enough for anything besides sex. Success? What does it mean to me. Giving God the wheel and finally letting Him steer me to Glory. I was a caterpillar in my cocoon impatiently waiting to evolve, then the Lord whispered “Patience is evidence of the Holy Spirit working in your life”.

A Refuge for Women Guest