LOOKING BACK

The last few weeks I’ve been in a bit of a funk; after being here for six months I’ve hit a slump.  Last night I was looking at some of my old journal entries from when I first came to the Refuge and I came across a goodbye letter I wrote to my drug of choice.  Looking over the letter made me remember exactly where it was I came from and why I don’t want to go back there.  I never want to feel as desperate as I did when I came here and I never want to feel as broken as I did when I wrote this letter.

Dear Heroin,

            I’m letting you know that I’m done with you.  I’ve spent too much time letting you manipulate, abuse, and lie to me.  It will never happen again.

            When you found me I was miserable and desperate – you promised me a future.  You lied.  I thought I was ugly and you promised to make me beautiful and confident.  You did nothing but wreak havoc on my body.  I was lonely and you swore to be the best thing I had ever known.  You not only alienated me from all the people who cared about me, but in the end you proved to be inconstant.  Every hurt I had, you magnified.  Everything that was wrong with my life, you only made worse.  This stops now.

            I am letting you know that I am taking back control.  You will never again control my finances, me health, my decision making, my living situations, and my life.  These areas of my life are just that – areas of my life.  They are in my control for today and for the rest of my life.

            Heroin, I loved you with everything that I had to give and you took it all and then demanded more.  You tried to take my life.  That is not love, that is abuse and that is why I am done with you - because you only demanded more.  I know today that more will never be enough. 

            Goodbye – now and always,

                                                Kristen

I know that living in sobriety has its challenges and I know I have my share of bad days, but I also know that when I was getting high my life had a lot more challenges and everyday was a bad day.  I never want to be back there again.  Sometimes it’s easy to forget just how bad things were before I was clean.  I’m glad I have a written record of my journey, because when I start to get a bad attitude and when I start to lose my appreciation for everything that’s been done for me it helps me remember where I could be today if I hadn’t come to the Refuge.

Written by:  Kristen, Refuge Resident