Lately, I've realized that throughout all of the hurt I was trying to prevent myself from enduring in life, I hurt others, and in turn, I’ve hurt myself far more than I ever hurt them or they could have ever hurt me. Facing my actions today is extremely hard, and if I’m having so much trouble getting through it then how hard will it be for me to stand in front of my creator once this life is complete and face everything that I have done? I know that running to God, confessing, and asking for his forgiveness will give me freedom, but sometimes, it doesn't feel like freedom, especially when I am still hurting so much. So, am I really free? Recently, I've learned that feeling isn't fact, that I can now speak out loud...So yes, I AM FREE. However, that doesn't keep my heart from aching so badly, and because I can literally feel my heart throbbing with pain and pressure, at times, my brain is signaling.... NO...NO, I'M NOT FREE. Freedom shouldn't feel this painful.... But should it?
Because of all of the wrong in my life, I can't figure out what is healthy when dealing with what is right, especially now as I'm attempting to make right out of all the wrong I have done. Aside from that, one thing I do know is that for the first time in my life, I’m actually AWARE of truth and with that, so I've been told... comes freedom. Therefore, I ask myself, what is freedom, what does it feel like, and how long after setting the truth in place does freedom fall in?
Yet, now I have this great idea of what MY freedom would be like... My freedom means confessing all my wrong doings and not having to deal with the aftermath of the destruction on my own. It's like having a tornado destroy my home but not having to clean up the mess afterward. Freedom means that once I realize how sinful WRONG really is, and I decide to only live the right way, everyone else around me supports my new-found constructive way of life and TRUSTS in me as much as I trust in myself. Freedom means that directly after my truth is out, I don't have to talk, think, or relive my past actions and that I don't have to fear what it is I have done.
But after skimming through what I think freedom should be, it does sound a bit discouraging because none of that is happening for me. I have to deal with the destruction I have caused to myself and to others; no one trusts me automatically the way that I trust in myself; and I'm talking, thinking about, and reliving every bit of harm I have done. With that, I turn and ask God what freedom is, what it feels like, and how long after setting the truth in place freedom falls in. This is where the light shines on me, and because of obedience, I can hear his voice telling me.... Freedom isn't about confessing what you have done, expecting others to trust in you, or dodging the consequences of your previous actions. Freedom doesn't come from you and what you can do for yourself or other people and what they do for you, but freedom comes from the one and only Son of God, Jesus Christ.
Romans 6:6 tells us, "For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin because anyone who has died has been freed from sin." To me, this means that giving my life to Christ, being baptized and turning from my sinful ways, will allow me to be free. In other words, having FAITH in him will allow me to walk a new path and give me a new identity. It will set me free from my old selfish, sinful ways and allow freedom to come into my life. From what I have discovered through scripture, God never promises that we won't feel guilt and shame for what we've done, but it does speak of truth bringing out those feelings. TRUTH. Therefore, even if no one jumps on board with me, trusting, accepting, loving, pleasing, and willing, I need to understand that it is now in their hands to change, not mine. I need to understand that I have a choice to either aim for those things from other people or walk in my faith, knowing that I am forgiven, loved and accepted by the most high... my creator, the creator of heaven and earth, the one who calls me his daughter, who says I am free not only because I am forgiven by the way of the cross, but also because I am made new.
In conclusion, I can feel so low that harming myself may cross my mind, that being alone seems like the best route to take in order to keep from facing my old choices... I can feel in every portion of my body, the pain I've caused myself and others, but because I know now that feeling isn't fact, I can distinguish what truth really is. Therefore, because of my truth through Jesus Christ, I have been set free. I just need to start living it in order to have it, so my freedom is as real as my faith.
I forgive myself. God forgives me. I believe in the word, and I need to start showing it. Whatever I am doing to walk in sin needs to come to an end as soon as I recognize it, regardless of my fears, desire to please others, or my own selfish wants. I need to live my life for my creator, not myself or anyone else... because when death strikes me, it is myself, my obedience, and relationship with God that will matter.