When I had been at the Refuge for a week, I was discussing Easter with one of the staff members and she told me about the flavor morphing jelly beans she had received as a gift. I had been detoxing off opiates for a week, and in my addled state, I thought she was talking about morphine jelly beans. I had never heard of morphine jelly beans, but I got really excited and wanted to know how they got the morphine in the jelly beans and where I could get some. After nearly everyone in the room gave me a raised eyebrow, I realized that we were talking about two totally different things – morphing jelly beans and morphine jelly beans. I had completely forgotten about this incident until a couple of weeks ago when I watched a movie that showed heroin addicts looking for dirty needles. As I was watching this, I realized that for the first time in years that I was watching people in active addiction, and I didn’t want to use. Rather, it made me incredibly sad to watch people so hell-bent on destroying themselves.
I say this not to commend myself in any way – on my own, I am powerless over my addiction – rather, I say this to simply point out how amazing God’s redemption is. He’s taken an addict who at one point in time was trying to get ahold of morphine jelly beans, and He’s completely changed my desires so I can look at addiction and see it not as something that I want, but as something I want to help change.
I know that it’s only through God’s grace that I can see addiction clearly and that my desires have been changed. It’s not because of anything I’ve done. (I’ve screwed up enough for ten lifetimes…) It’s only because of what He’s done in my life.